On the morning dog walk a lightbulb finally went off in my head. I have spent the past four years struggling to gain control of everything that was getting away from me. This has left me in a terrible place. The epiphany has led me to brain dump for the first time in a long time.
We have all had a plethora of things inflicted on us since March 2020, and these events don’t ever seem to slow down. But, I have also never come to terms with what has taken place to me. Instead, I drowned myself in social media feeds to feel like I had something to control. I have spent years being misguided by the thought I could post through it.
If the events refuse to stop, I will have to do so instead.
The pandemic, losing friendships, almost losing my mom, both Schipperkes passing away, being diagnosed with a chronic illness, adjusting my life to my kid’s disability, losing my online community, avoiding covid for four years only to still get it, welcoming a new service dog… and there is more I am missing. I gave myself no time to process before moving onto the next major life event. The hits kept coming, as they say.
Then, when I returned to streaming a few weeks ago, I could sense something was off. I bounced between games and platforms for a little while, but nothing felt right. I hit a breaking point with it. Now, I understand that I continue to return to the same patterns, and it burns me out quicker. It never works because I do the exact same thing every time I try. I continually set myself up to fail.
I am at the point now I can finally tell myself it is okay to leave the past few years behind. Even if I did fail, I am still here pushing ahead. I am embracing my failure with a smile.
It is never too late to admit your mistakes, and allow yourself to change.